We all give $595,000 to Linda Tripp for… invasion of her privacy?!?

Common Sense, after a long illness, finally succumbed today.

An ABC news item reports that Linda Tripp, who secretly recorded extremely private phone conversations with Monica Lewinsky, having befriended and manipulated Ms. Lewinsky into revealing details of sexual encounters with former President Clinton, and then used the tapes to discredit the President, will be paid over a half a million dollars to settle her lawsuits against the U.S. Government which allege that her privacy was violated.

“This is a long awaited first step toward holding the government accountable under the Privacy Act,” Tripp said in a statement. “The government should never be permitted to use Privacy Act protected information to discredit a political opponent.”

Ms. Tripp, who inexplicably avoided jail time for breaking Maryland’s wiretapping laws, has instead sued the government, charging that Defense Department leaked news that she was interviewing for a job of lower rank and salary.

“Lower rank and salary?” That is a secret shame worthy of the full protection of the Privacy Act. Thankfully, we have laws to protect victims like poor Ms. Tripp. Wow, half a megabuck. Nice payday! Hey, I wonder if that McDonald’s “I squeezed hot coffee between my legs, burned my thighs, and deserve a big check” gig is still open? This writer was making 6 figures in biotech two years ago, but after being “right-sized” I’m lucky to have part-time retail job making less than $3000 least year—can I get in on some of this “lower rank and salary” action too?

Yeah, lower rank and salary. Clearly, it’s vastly more embarrassing and private, more actionable than, say, hours of interrogations, years of investigations, and a salacious, wildly popular, 445-page report available to anyone in the world with internet access. A ponderous document describing in meticulous, excessive detail who did what to whom, who put what where, and when, and which put the lowly cigar back in the center of public discourse where it belongs. A public report so juicy that it measurably slowed the internet after its release. An expensive government report that casts a harsh, unforgiving spotlight on just who wore the Presidential spooge home from work one fateful day. And who has suffered more here? An over-ambitious Washington player wannabe who bit the hand that fed her and found herself even less popular than before, or a heartbroken, chunky, naive intern whose looks were mercilessly mocked by a nation, and whose new nickname is, “Queen of the Blow Jobs?” And all this thanks to the betrayal of her mentor, her conniving confidante: self-described victim Linda Tripp.

Ms. Tripp, you have, in this writer’s view, attained mind-numbing new heights of hypocrisy. Your discredit was obvious long before you ever interviewed for your new job. If I were you, I’d take my half a mil of ill-gotten gains, throw in another half of my own, and give it to the true victim here. And I’d be eternally grateful to ever make another friend ever again.

The opinions expressed in Steve’s Peeves are intended to entertain and uplift. They may not be appropriate for young readers or the satirically challenged. Parental supervision is advised.

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